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(an excerpt ..

I can’t believe I have done this! My own shop, well half of it anyway.

I look at my side of the shop, at the line of PC’s where I envision (happy) customers sitting, reading their mail and surfing the net.

When Brenda approached me a few months ago with this proposal I was very skeptical to begin with, but it would appear it is finally coming together now.

Dare I say it? Success?

I am brought out of my daydreaming as Brenda walks into the shop “Briget, I was thinking of making my desk one big fishtank. You know, the whole bottom of the desk being the tank.”

Panic! Panic! Panic! She wants to do what!? I am hoping and praying this is a brainfart that hasn’t as of yet attached itself too firmly to her cerebral cortex..

“Uhm.. a fishtank?”

“Yes! I was thinking about it all night and I think it would be a very calming feature for people when they come in the shop”

“Oooh, I don’t know.. I have a thing about fish, they don’t have eyelids you know. And I don’t really trust anything without eyelids.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I can sit from my side and watch these things float about leering at me all day. It will drive me to distraction, worrying about what they up to next..”

Not daring to mention that it is a stupid idea having a stinky smelly fishtank in a print/internet café.

“Hhmm, well, just think about it. I still think it is a great idea.” And with that she bounced out again leaving me to babysit the shopfitters (again).

Whew! That was a disaster averted. But I have a niggly feeling this will not be the last of her crazy stupid ideas…

..)

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Today I woke up a little bit slower,

a little bit sadder, and with a little less purpose..

But I did get up and start my day, I did not cower.

Its been 2 years since we last spoke,

2 years since my heart broke..

The pain, the anguish I felt at your passing,

The hurt, the loss, the tears… seemingly everlasting,

are there still, ever present today as I remember,

that two years ago you left me..broken.. with your departure..

Without your warmth, your love, and your voice,

I feel lost and angry and want to scream at the world..

“This was not my wish, this was never my choice!”

yet I am forced to get up each and very morning,

Put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is alright..

So today, like yesterday and the day before,

I get by..I get going.. I get through it.. but not without a fight.

Maybe some day it will get easier.. maybe some day I will learn to accept..

Today is not that day..Today I woke up crying..Today I am still feeling quietly bereft.

So yesterday was the day to celebrate mothers.. And for those of us who are mothers we were blessed with cuddles and loves from our offspring with promises of “the best behaviour ever!” from them. And for those of us who have their moms still around it was a day of saying thank you for being the best mom and show just how much we appreciate everything that they do and have done..

But there are those of us out there that shed more than just one tear yesterday. There are those of us out there who were reminded of what is lost. And no matter how much time passes, the pain never ceases to surprise us in its intensity.We put on our brave faces so that the kiddies don’t see our burden of loss and pain.

We find ourselves remembering all the Mothers Day’s of before, the joy on their faces when we took them to tea, the smiles that they so easily put forward to everyone around them and the obvious pride that they display when you are introduced to their friends as “…and this is my Baby..”

The memories that we hold of them are so few though and we find ourselves feeling resentment for not having more.. not having done more.. not being able to hug and love them more..

But we shrug our shoulders and turn our hearts and minds to the present day and hope no-one witnessed the moment of painful recollection.

Mothers Day … maybe next year I will shed less tears… maybe… maybe not..

So In memory of my mom I wrote this little poem..

My tears are shed when no-one looks,

I hide behind pillows, doors and books.

My heart breaks where no-one can see,

I hide behind jokes, smiles and glee.

You are gone, and time has still not healed,

I cry, I shout, I sob myself to sleep,

I will tell nobody, because for now my lips are sealed.

Between us though, I cannot hide.

I feel you in my quiet, sad moments,

I feel your love, I feel you sitting by my side.

It is then that the sobs quieten down,

It is then that that a small smile replaces my frown.

I wipe my eyes, I breathe in your love,

I want to hold on to you desperately but realise that your place is no longer here,

Your place is home to Angels, watching me from above.

But remember me and know..

That  I still keep a spot open for you in my heart.

I love you Mom, I love you more than I am able to show..

It wasn’t always this way, there was a time when I knew you cared,

Kinda funny how quickly another person can shift opinion or sway,

I DO so miss all our moments that we shared,

the jokes,the laughter, your sly wink from across the way.

And how it was altered or why, I do not know,

all I am aware of presently is the deceit, the emptiness and the sorrow.

Did I not do enough?

Did I not share with you?

Aargh, this is going to be very tough.

I miss you, I DO, I miss it all,

my Heart is broken, but back to you I will never crawl!

Here I am, no longer waiting for an “I’m Sorry” or a “Please Forgive”,

but walking away uncaring whether you die or live..

Without you I AM, Without you I CAN.

Go on, live your miserable existence,

but Remember, It was I that finally said..

…GOOD RIDDANCE!

.

P.S. this is not about my darling SexyG…  kay…lol!

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We have a Birthday boy in the HOUSE!!!

Its my oh so fabulously gorgeous SexyG’s birthday today. I dont really know how to tell him how much he has made a difference in my life because words fail me when I need them most..lol

BUT

Babes, I wrote this for you, to try tell you how much you mean to me.. and later.. later I will try show you

When I wake each morning,

You are there.. holding me..

When I fall asleep each night,

You are there..loving me..

Each step I take, each breathe I make,

You are there laughing with me..

I thank you for the moments we share,

the loving, the laughter, the tender care..

My love for you is so much more than I could’ve ever foretold,

My heart is yours..for your strong hands to cherish,love and hold..

So this is me.. telling you, the love of my life,

That I love you…with you, I am finally Alive..

Happy Birthday babes..

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Have you ever wanted something so badly?

You had to convince yourself you already Have it,

See it, Feel it, Touch it..almost?… Or not really?

Do you wake up thinking of …‘What If’ ?

Do dreams taunt you with things that may never be?

How far are you willing to go?..How far ahead can you see?

Do you look on at others yearning for just one teensy tiny bit?

Knowing in your heart that this may never be..?

Do you think about it, day and night, while you stand, while you sit?

At what point do you throw caution at the wind,

put both feet in, grab the bull by horns?

In order to gain the final answer, no option to rescind?

Do I have what it takes, Is this achievable?

No going back, no more oops, uhm, this was perhaps a mistake?

I don’t think I do, No-No, this is not possible,

I will live in hope, try and keep the dream alive,

Keep my head , there is just too much at stake..

…………

Have you ever wanted something so badly?

I can only nod my head and sigh, “Yes” I say, sadly…

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I’m being watched.. My every move monitored.. My every word captured..

Why me? What about me is so noteworthy and captivating??

Should I smile? Would he be aware of how nervous he makes me?

I can feel his eyes move on me as I walk to the flat, as I switch on the kettle..

His eyes burning the back of my neck as I walk.. I pull my jersey abit tighter, and falter abit on the steps… Did he see that? Of course he did! He sees it all.. Makes notes of it all…

The phone is ringing now.. I dont want to answer it.. It might be him.. He often phones.. Stays silent on the other end until the silence screams out at me and I put the phone down.

I stand there.. in the kitchen.. aware of him.. aware that he isn’t far away..

Th odd thing about it is that I am not completely nervous anymore.. He has become almost familiar to me at times.. Last night I lay in bed with the comfort I wasnt completely alone.. I think I am going crazy..

What are the signs? Is this craziness and I am just unaware of it? Is this how crazy people feel? Should I speak to someone?

No!.. I must pull myself together.. I have to get back to work.. Let him follow me.. let him watch me.. I just wont let him know that he has such an effect on me.. I wont answer the phone.. thats what voicemail is for..

I can do this.. I can get through this day.. I have before and I will again..

Come with me, my little friend.. Come and lets get on with this day ..

I smile at where I know he is and I feel him almost explode with glee…

Soon.. Soon he will reveal himself and come out of the shadows.. until then he will remain in the dark .. alone, distant, forever watching…

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I am not domesticated to be honest.. But this morning I felt the need to put a load of washing on (Ok, I have no clean gym pants)…

While emptying the pockets of J’s school pants I found a crumpled piece of paper in them…

I could not RESIST!.. Didnt even try!

So I opened it up carefully like a little kid unwrapping a xmas pressie…and was the one thing I most certainly did not expect!! In fact I was totally blown away with my discovery..

It was a poem!

“A Poem?” you ask.. Yes, A poem!

Upon intensive interrogation (I had a lamp aimed at his eyeballs…) it turns out it was a rough draft for a school project.

I personally think it is not bad attempt for a 13 year old boy and he has definite potential…

It is really such a boy poem though..

The skull can chatter,

but the bone can rattle.

The heart makes a sound,

That is like a pound.

With your lungs you breath,

But with your kidneys you believe…

I am just concerned that he isn’t using his kidneys in the right way…

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