Ready to talk about it…

Three years ago I said goodbye to a friend…..

.

even now, talking about it brings back the hurt that I felt back then.

The friendship was so big, so entrenched in me and my life – it felt like I had lost a sister. It felt like I had lost an arm.

I couldn’t understand how it happened, we had been through so much, seen so much, laughed so much, cried so much and yet, she turned around and threw us away with no explanation, no reason, no anything. FUCK ALL.

angry

Damn I was ANGRY!!! and sad. and ANGRY!! and very sad….but mostly confused. Know what I mean?

Three years ago.

I did the only thing I knew how to do – I walked away. I just let it happen. I allowed her to leave and swore that I would not run after her. Not going to beg for her to explain what happened. She must just go about her existence in fucken sadness (I was her fucken rainbow ffs) without me. Because she gave up on us. She left, she chose her own path. Not me. Let that sit with her. I’m DONE!

This was my pride speaking, and IF I AM ANYTHING -> it is proud and stubborn. FULL TILT!

yippiekayyay motherfucker

Yippiekayyay Motherfuckers

BUT in my heart, I sang a sorrowful tune, which ironically seemed to play on every radio within earshot at the time. as if the whole world felt my pain and shared my sorrowful tune. Or the whole world sat mocking me… probably the latter.

I allowed myself a few weeks of sadness, wept in solitude at the loss – then hardened my heart against the pain and moved on. As hard as that was, it was all I could do to protect myself. Get me through it. Because it was now about me, she was no longer a part of me after all.

To date I still have no answers & no apology but I am OK with it now. I sit here now all strong and stuff  because I still have my PRIDE and my STUBBORNNESS – and they laugh at ALL my jokes and hold my hand while I proceed to take over the world. It looks a little weird but who the fuck cares, right?

One good thing came from it though:

I am stronger. And subsequently shed many things/people that I deem unworthy of my headspace. It gets a teeny bit awkward for those I openly dismiss, but I find it impossible to pretend that I give a shit.

So no one is ever left guessing if I am their friend or foe. Look at me giving the world clarity!

self five

Can you tell that I have people issues – I currently have more than a YOU magazine, because people disappoint, don’t they?

Three years (and a bit) have gone by –  but still whenever I hear that song, there is that moment when she flashes through my mind & heart and I am reminded of the pain…. but just for a moment, and then it is gone.

Life is a like box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get – and sometimes some fucker eats all the good ones and that is why you must hide your chocolates. (I hide mine in my tummy)…

xoxox

brigetsignew