Access withdrawn…


Time to put away the loaded gun..

It was with such sadness when we finally decided to take the loaded gun out of the cubbyhole of the car.

We drove around with it for many years, the anger and sadness often tempting us to bring it out and use it in ways that would bring more madness to the world.

But always held back.

You all know how much I have spoken about the crazy ongoing challenges we faced. THE SHEER MADNESS!!

We fought for years to force the Hairyknuckle to allow us access to the girls, but she always made excuses, even moved a few times with no forwarding address, basically ignored us in general. Her reasons were always wild and varied. But in all that time, she felt justified. Who knows what she actually told them!?!?! We do doubt the sincerity and honesty of her recount though.

But none of that matters anymore.

The damage has been done, the wound that never heals, the pain of loss sits with us.

What matters is, that we never took out our loaded gun in the cubbyhole.  I am not speaking of  a real gun of course.  A literal one. A document that can shoot down the offender. But at what cost?

We never enforced the document that said she HAS to grant us access or face arrest. We never wanted to be the reason their mother was arrested, even though she was breaking the law for withholding access.

That would never ever have ended well. This is just not what we do. We are not the harbingers of pain and tumultuous waters. I would never do that to someone’s mom.


So the time has finally come, the document has been removed and even though every time we think of the missing years of family with them, it hurts like a motherfucker but we also live in hope that one day they will be brave enough to seek us out and when that happens, we will be there, no questions asked –  open arms and open heart.