feels…

Have you ever just sat in the car, in your garage and not wanted to get out?

There you sit, the car feeling strangely comforting and safe and it is just you and your thoughts.

It feels almost like a sanctuary and you know the minute you step out that moment will be over.

Life is going to expect something from you..the chores will beckon for you, your pc will mock you with a million and one tasks not completed, the washing laughs as you walk past and everyone will look at you demanding to know what is happening with dinner.

So you sit in the car, you sit there and all your feelings rush to the surface, tears well in your eyes and your heart hurts with the pain of responsibility and loss.

This adult business is bullshit. Bring me a time machine and I will go so far back that walking is still a skill to be mastered.

It is no one fault that brings me here. This is just what it is. With thoughts of responsibility and life challenges I  miss my parents, I am tired of being a grown up and yearn for the love of my moms hug.

Why now? I do not know. All I do know is that sitting here, in my car – hidden away from the world – the tears of loss run down my cheeks as I know that what I want will never be.

The tears sting my eyes and I hear myself cry ugly.

So I let it be. I allow them to fall, I allow myself a moment of sadness because once I am all done.. I will wipe my eyes, compose myself and go back to reality.

I will get on with what needs to be done. Life will continue.

But not right now.. I am not ready yet. This moment is still mine.. I need to stay here where my feelings feel safe enough to come out and cry in solitude. With no questions, no onlookers and no concern.

Most of all – No judgement.