Then and Now…


As I sit there at court, with all my paperwork in hand,

I cannot help but wonder about what happened to get me

into this negative space.

21 years ago there must have been something about this person who is next to me waving papers in my face and scowling at the court clerk as he piles on the demands. There must have been a time we laughed together?  Why am I not able to remember one good thing about him. Not one positive memory. His mere presence repulses me.

Did we ever actually laugh together? Were there shared moments of actual happiness?? After all, we had children together for goodness sake, how did this happen?

As I try to think back, my first 10 years of marriage is very much a fugue state, I remember moments with my children, of friends and family but the only ones involving him are ones where he is angry/disappointed/annoyed with me. I remember the anger and aggression the most.

I was never good enough and if I didn’t behave, ..well, let’s just say it was not pleasant.

It took me a long time to get the courage to leave, it took me even longer to stop blaming myself.

And here I am, looking across at his angry face, behaving as arrogant as he possibly can, and I keep quiet. I wait for him to get it all off his chest.

When I look across, I feel sad. This whole thing is just so damn sad.

He is such an angry person, and everything he touches seem to be engulfed by his negative persona. Everyone around him at his home assumes his stance on materialism and the mockery of people. IMHO – His life is just a mirror of his soul, empty and always under construction.

My children remember very little of what actually happened, and for that I am grateful, but sometimes I wish they knew, then maybe they would understand why I do not trust their father. Why I worry about them when they are with him. Why I left.

Tragically my eldest son has moved in there, and this concerns me most of all as I watch him distance himself from me more and more each day.

How do I deal with that? How do I stop it? I can’t, can I? I have to just sit back and wait for him to realise it on his own. But it seriously breaks my heart as I listen to him defend his dad   “But Mom, he is different now, he isn’t the same person who twisted my arm in the car when I was younger”.

He came with his dad today. He sits outside now. And as I replay those words in my head, I flash through anger and hatred for this pitiful excuse of a man next to me. I fight the urge to jump up and stab him with my pen. I struggle with my inner demons and calm down.

I sit and listen as he exclaims jovially because further delays have been put in place, he makes reference to including Hairyknuckle at the next court date, I just smile and remember how much they rely on each other to garner information about me..stalking me. I must be very important to them. Shame.

I finally get up, get ready to leave and the court clerk assures me that he will do what he can to expedite matters. He tried to help but I could see that he was just not equipped to deal with the nastiness of Arsfuk. In fact, he was very glad to see the back of him, and even audibly sighed when Arsfuk left the room. I do not blame him, not at all.

Where does it end? When will he stop hating me for existing? When will I stop hating him for his role in my past? When will I be able to look back and recall a positive memory?

Maybe never, maybe at our funerals… but it is possible that there just aren’t any positive memories to be recalled. It is also possible that all positivity that may have existed have long since been erased by the terrible truth of our past.