They wouldn’t understand..

~~~

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning.. Pulled the sheet back and then breathed a sigh of relief. It was definitely just a very bad dream.

My nightmare is not easily explainable. Most people would be overjoyed by what I dreamed about last night. I am most certainly not one of those people. My life is different to theirs. My past has molded me to the point that I behave with fear that which others welcome with open arms.

Allow me explain, in my dream I was surprised by my doctor who told me that I was eight and a half months pregnant. Not 3 weeks, not 3 months.. 8.5 months !!!

I was horrified. At my age to start all over, to go through labour, to be responsible for another little human again! And less than 1 month to prepare.

I kept asking everyone how this could be, how did I fall pregnant? Stupid question normally except that I was soo careful. I made sure I was not able to have more children.. what happened!!! But no one listened to me. Everyone was just too busy telling me how this is such a wonderful event and how happy they are for me. It was a nightmare. I saw no future for me in this reality, I saw only more hardship and pain than I am able to deal with. The feeling of fear and helplessness was overwhelming. It is not that I do not love my children, it is not that I regret having them. The truth is that I have painstakingly planned to NOT have any more and am finally at a point where I can start achieving goals that have been put on hold for 18 years. Children may be blessings but they also require full time dedication and sacrifice.

I am extremely glad that this was just a dream, but I have been sitting with the awkwardness all damn day feeling the after effects of the pregnancy scare.

Even though I am very aware that it is currently physically impossible for me to have another baby, I am going to be entering into coitus with much trepidation for the next while.

xoxoxox