Hiding in the rain..


It is like the weatherman thought he would match my mood and feelings to enable me to hide in plain sight easier.

I appreciate it.

And I am not feeling very thankful at the moment. I couldn’t figure out why I am was feeling so lost, so sad, so alone.. until this morning.

When the realisation hit me.. I felt physically ill and then cried…

TBH There is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better, so feel free to stare in awkward silence, it is all the same to me.

The loss is not getting easier.. time is not healing my wounds. I am still bleeding under the surface, crying out for what I can never again have.

Tomorrow it will be four years and yet it feels like yesterday right now.

I miss my Mom.. more than I thought I would. And by saying that you are probably thinking, of course you miss your mom and half skoff because you love your mom and would obviously miss her too.. BUT it is a difficult thing to explain properly.

I always knew the day would come and she would pass, this is the nature of things. And I would say to myself, I will really miss her and even shed a tear at the thought. But when she passed away the loss was soo huge, it felt like my left arm had been ripped off and someone just stuck a bandaid on the gaping wound still pumping blood all over my white carpet.

And even now, I am amazed that no one sees the obvious pain etched across my face. And if they do, they just pretend it isn’t there.

Tomorrow I will deal with it like a big girl, I will allow myself to quietly cry into my pillow and may even have a glass of wine with breakfast but then I will get on with the day.  Afterall, my life is still very much in progress and I cannot allow anyone to see any chinks in this armour I wear.

“I Love you Mom, I know you are still with me in my heart, just wish I could pluck you out and have a laugh with you over tea and cake.. just one more time .. xoxoxox”