Wakefullness…

I woke up this morning at 5 again with a mind full of thoughts and no way to switch it off so that I can get sleep as warm and cuddly as the rest of the house..

Amongst the thoughts rambling through my over busy brain were memories and moments and for the most part I enjoy remembering moments in my life as my life has been exciting and fun and interesting .. But there has also been trauma and sadness and devastation..

And I went about calibrating and analysing these moments as only a person who overthinks everything will truly appreciate, I tried to organise my emotions and unfortunately wasnt able to do as well as I wouldve liked.

The truly traumatic emotions kept crippling me. Even now, years later I cannot think of my mom without experiencing a quiver in my chest and feeling a tear well in my eyes. I am unable to remember one bad thing about my mom. Her loss has effected me in such a deep and real way that I am unable to express it.

Yet strangely enough when I think of my Dad I not only feel the loss he left in my life but am still able to remember the moments we shared both good and bad.I am able to smile when I think of him. I am able to joke about his wicked sense of humour, his bad language, penchant for women and his true Irish flavour.

Its not that I didn’t love my dad as much as my mom, I just think its different somehow?

The Death of my Dad hurt like a mothertrucker, no doubt about it. But I went AutoPilot taking care of my mom, assisting with the Funeral arrangements and just mourning him on my own time when it was all over and I was able to do so in private..

The Death of my Mom shattered my soul (several pieces will always remain missing) and changed my life forever, I was alone. Yes, I had siblings but I felt alone.It felt like I had walked into a vacuum and all I heard were my sobs of sadness.. I went autopilot during the day but cried myself to sleep and woke up in tears. I was left broken and sad,something I have not been able to recover from..

I thought I was getting it all under control and my waking moments will be functional productive moments, but this is no longer true if it ever truly was. Whatever the trigger, lately I am finding myself thinking of my loss and struggle to shake the sadness that is enveloping my heart.

No trauma in my life ( Teenage Pregnancy,Abusive Marriage, Divorce or Moving ) comes even close to the gut wrenching feeling of losing my mom. It’s as simple as that.

Will I ever be able to get past this? Probably not.. but each day I work on it one step at a time.

Thoughts, memories, moments..some of them just cannot/will not  be catagorised, sorted or labelled. Sometimes they just are and we just need to let them be..

briget