One of my Ubermost pethates is shop assistants who will insist on smalltalk when all you really want is bread/milk/potatoes/porn dvd’s…

Scene 1

I hand the fruit/veg guy my tomatoes to weigh at the pnp…

Fruit/Veg guy: “Hello there!”

I am looking at the other shelves and not listening to him..

Fruit/Veg guy holding my tomatoes ransom : “HELLO!”

awkward pause where I turn to look why the fuck my tomatoes still haven’t been weighed only to see the idiot is fully expecting me to converse with him..

Me: ” You planning to weigh that or not?”

Fruit/Veg guy: “Hello, How are you?”

Now I am irritated. He has officially got my attention and he is going to wish he hadn’t.

Me: ” Are you special or something? Do I look like I want to spend the next five minutes conversing with you on a level so far below me that I have to switch my brain off so that you may have some chance of understanding? Weigh the fucken tomatoes before I call your manager and he can retrain you as you obviously lost the ability to do your job..”

Fruit/Veg guy weighs my tomatoes and I leave..

But he is special because tomorrow I know we gonna do this again, as we have done for the past few months…

Scene 2

Walk into the local corner cafe for bread.

Weird Hairy Guy standing in the doorway minus a shirt “Hello there Ma’am”

I keep walking cos I would hate for him to think I am his friend and we gonna share a beer in the shop doorway or something.. I need only bread afterall.. not friends.

I place the bread on the counter and have to wait for him to nip his stompie and come take my cash so that I can go and finish preparing lunch at home.. He takes his time, ogling me out all the time all the while I am getting more and more uncomfortable with this ugly hairy sloth that is ambling closer and will probably try squeezing past me, even if I stand at the back of the shop, to get his fat arse behind the till.

Weird Hairy Guy: ” You want anything else? Some Milk Perhaps or a nice chocolate?” He smiles and I throw up in my mouth.

Me: “No, I’m fine, just the bread thanks”

Weird Hairy Guy: “You sure?” Holding my money in his paw refusing to ring it off.

Me: ” Very sure”

Weird Hairy Guy: “Ok, but I know you will be back. You ladies love your chocolates!”

And with that he winks at me.. Fuck!

I grab my change and leave vowing not to go back.. But I say that everytime and then I forget and I get confronted by the hairy shirtless fat stupid dude.

I hate being forced to converse when all I want is prompt efficient service. Keep the small talk for people who initiate or those who go to the shops looking for friends.. I am not one of those. Recognise.

Rant over, for now

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