How some people can say so many stupid and contradictory things in one go and still be alive. Where is natural selection and why is it failing me?

In future please either shutup or else don’t leave home without your stupid sign, k?

You have been identified..

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I spent days debating various models. I had deliberated the pro’s and cons and slowly narrowed the list down to one.

I was elated. I could finally throw away the stupid papers littering my desk. My search has come to an end.  I have a winner surrounded by losers.. I then tweeted about it.,<–obvious mistake,  because I was then told reasons why its a kak phone.. and how there are better options out there.

Fuckity fuck. (yes I am swearing!)

So I am now unsure once more…

Here are the phones now(back) in the running:-

Sony Ericsson XPERIA X1

The good – Qwerty Keyboard

The bad -3.2mp camera and I am not loving the look of it…looks porno

Nokia N97

The good -qwerty keyboard, looks sexy

The bad – Has a  S60 OS, was looking for something different.

HTC Touch Diamond

The good -Nice res, Qwerty Keyboard

The bad -3MP camera, Small Battery Life

Apple iPhone 3G

The good – uhm…its…uhm…Its got a touch screen!(looks pretty too)

The bad – No MMS, 2MP camera, etc, etc,

Samsung i900 Omnia

The good – Nice Big screen, Sexy Lines, 5Mp camera, Comes with a full carkit for GPS

The bad – NO Qwerty Keyboard and the Stylus is a clingon..

…… I have to choose soon. I am itching to play with a new phone!

Feedback, Feedback… Go crazy!

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Now go back to bed and stay there..

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My Big Boy is almost 15 years old! In exactly a weeks time to be more precise.

Hard to believe that I held this little cute little munchkin in my arms almost 15 years ago!

Ok, so he was only 2,995Kg’s at birth but still…unbelievable that I can create such an awesome specimen of gorgeousness!! My heart skips a beat when he smiles at me and even in moments of pure rage when I have to tie myself down not to rip his arm off and beat him with the sticky end, I LOVE him completely and utterly.

Isn’t he just the sexiest!

He was a very cute baby, grew into such a cute boy..but at present he is in the throes of Anguished Teenager and doing all he can to drive me dilly! But I love him.. and I am hoping and praying for this to pass over soon..(fingers and nipples crossed)

And tall, the child is sooo Tall! With a height of 173cm’s and a size 9 shoe I am guaranteed he will be taller than his momma.. He is such a funny child, makes me laugh all the time with his dry sense of humour. J is also very very smart and can run rings around his peers when/if he applies himself even though he is ADD.

I love him so very much and try to protect him as much as I can with life but there is only so much a mom can do. When he goes to his friends for the weekend, I tell him “No Porn!” and he blushes and says “AAW Mom!” .. this is all good and well but I fear for the day he turns back to me and says “Why not?”.. But that day is not here yet, so for now I cuddle and love him and tell him when he gets full of shit “J, What would Jesus do?” gives him food for thought and makes him pull his lips  a bit..but it seems to be working so far.

There was a time when he would ask for Lego and Spiderman figurines but this year he has asked for Special Gaming Peripherals for his PC. Each one costing in excess of R1000.00. So I am probably going to have to either sell my body or turn to a life of crime..

Will keep you posted on what I finally decide on.

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I have been dreaming way too much lately..

Every morning I awake with a bizarre tale to decypher.. and decypher it I must because I dont just dream an event. No that would be too bloody simple wouldnt it?

For Instance, I once dreamt my sister slept with my boyfriend, and i didnt speak to her for aweek. In other cases where I have dreamt canniballs were chasing me I spent my waking hours checking everyone out and keeping my distance until I was sure they werent going to snack on my soft bits. So you understand my dillema regarding needing to understand the craziness before it comsumes my real world?!?

So the last few days my dreams have been about sex, menage a trios and relationships. I am not sure what to make of it but what I can tell you is that Alec Baldwin declared his love for me last night and proposed marriage. So today I have to keep reminding myself that he didn’t propose to me and I don’t need to look through bridal catalogs cos I’m not really getting married..

..what will I dream about tonight?

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My cellphone rings.. and I look and its a private number. I debate whether to answer it as I don’t normally answer private numbers because only rude people knock on my door and refuse to announce who they are..

Its business hours however and answer it I did. I wish I hadn’t though.

It starts out friendly enough with the caller on the other end introducing herself as someone or other from attorneys in bloemfontein? I couldn’t hear her too well at first because it wasn’t such a clear line..

She asked me where my mom is. I told her that unfortunately my mom passed away almost two years ago. She then went on to tell me that my mom is in arrears with her TV License. I tried to explain to her that I had contacted SABC at the time that she had passed but she wasn’t interested. She told me that this has no bearing on the facts that my mom owes them money. I half laughed at this..And asked her how can they expect payment from my mom when she is no longer alive? Ignoring my question she wanted to know what happened to the TV. I told her it was sold or given away, I am not sure. Unimpressed with my answer,she informed me that someone has to pay.

I tried again to bring understanding to her obvious dimwittedness..

“You don’t understand, My mom is no longer watching TV, she hasn’t for a long time. She has passed away” I said to her and she responded to that with…

…”So What?! You can pay.”

I was so shocked at this that I told her to Fuck Off and put the phone down..

She phoned back a few seconds later and this time SexyG answered the phone and he asked for her name and such and she refused to give it to him and slammed the phone down on him.

I heard that the SABC is in a slight financial bind but is it that bad that this is what SABC has been reduced to? Trying to harass the family of deceased registered TV License holders?

Shame on you SABC, Shame on you!

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“Banana Split”

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Marriages/Long term relationships are serious hard work..

Anyone who is in a relationship/marriage for more than a year deserves a medal/award and that I suppose is why there are anniversaries..(the more years you put in the bigger the prize!)

It doesn’t matter who you are, living with another person and sharing your cheese with them is tough. Lets have a closer look at the difficulties we experience in this cohabitation ritual..

In the beginning everything is still new and things are often forgiven and overlooked and you solve all your problems and arguments with mind-etching sex.. The sex re-enforces your bond and you forget the small stuff quickly.

After about a year of this and you have succeeded in not breaking your vagina or his penis in your aid to overcome the small irritations that are somehow not lessening, you try addressing these concerns less coital and more verbal.. Hurt feelings are abound as a consequence.. RESULT – you end up in wild monkey sex in your attempt to smooth over the troubled water as it were.. Concerns don’t go away but you are re-enforcing your bond with each other nonetheless..

Two years into the relationship and your guava sends you a memo and asks if there isn’t a less invasive method in dealing with the toilet seat position and dinner duties.. You concede. You discuss this with your partner, he agrees as he got a concerning memo from his penis, only his was slightly different with his penis trying to find new and interesting ways to spark conflict.. You agree to deal with all concerns and conflict with a more mature and less carnal approach.. RESULT – This works well in the beginning, but after about a week of discussing everything and “being open” you both start feeling a bit neglected personally and this creates hurt feelings which brings you both back to crazy carnival nookie..  Not much gets resolved but the sex is great and you are after all re-enforcing your bond with each other..

Three-four years later.. your vagina and his penis have to concede that if they haven’t broken yet they probably made of tougher stuff than even they realised. He is still your sex-god that can make you do things that make you blush when you think of it. You are still his little sex-kitten that makes his penis purr and makes him groan with delight when he thinks about it. You still have your conflict and all your issues.. but you deal with it quickly and then get down to the fun stuff as soon as you can. your bond is super strong and you know that there isn’t anything that you can’t resolve if you..uhm.. work on it hard enough!

Yeah relationships are tough.. but as you can see..it is definitely tougher on some parts more than others !!

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So yesterday was the day to celebrate mothers.. And for those of us who are mothers we were blessed with cuddles and loves from our offspring with promises of “the best behaviour ever!” from them. And for those of us who have their moms still around it was a day of saying thank you for being the best mom and show just how much we appreciate everything that they do and have done..

But there are those of us out there that shed more than just one tear yesterday. There are those of us out there who were reminded of what is lost. And no matter how much time passes, the pain never ceases to surprise us in its intensity.We put on our brave faces so that the kiddies don’t see our burden of loss and pain.

We find ourselves remembering all the Mothers Day’s of before, the joy on their faces when we took them to tea, the smiles that they so easily put forward to everyone around them and the obvious pride that they display when you are introduced to their friends as “…and this is my Baby..”

The memories that we hold of them are so few though and we find ourselves feeling resentment for not having more.. not having done more.. not being able to hug and love them more..

But we shrug our shoulders and turn our hearts and minds to the present day and hope no-one witnessed the moment of painful recollection.

Mothers Day … maybe next year I will shed less tears… maybe… maybe not..

So In memory of my mom I wrote this little poem..

My tears are shed when no-one looks,

I hide behind pillows, doors and books.

My heart breaks where no-one can see,

I hide behind jokes, smiles and glee.

You are gone, and time has still not healed,

I cry, I shout, I sob myself to sleep,

I will tell nobody, because for now my lips are sealed.

Between us though, I cannot hide.

I feel you in my quiet, sad moments,

I feel your love, I feel you sitting by my side.

It is then that the sobs quieten down,

It is then that that a small smile replaces my frown.

I wipe my eyes, I breathe in your love,

I want to hold on to you desperately but realise that your place is no longer here,

Your place is home to Angels, watching me from above.

But remember me and know..

That  I still keep a spot open for you in my heart.

I love you Mom, I love you more than I am able to show..

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Friday..

..synonymous with funnies, jokes, pleasant banter being strewn backwards and forwards as everyone prepares for late nights, copious amounts of drinking and wild and free sex that continuous for minutes and minutes if you are lucky.

So in the spirit of “shits and giggles” here is my contribution…

Now have a wickedly eventful weekend and don’t forget to tell me all the juicy details

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