A letter to my Mom,

Dear Mom,
It’s been exactly a year since I last saw you..held your hand and gave you a hug..Its been a year since you left me on my own..

I think about you almost every morning when I wake up.. You can’t believe how much I still miss you! It is ridiculous that I am unable to accept the fact that you are actually gone.. And the tears still flow at the craziest moments..I am trying really hard to be strong for my boys and not show just how broken I am ..I don’t think its working.. They can see the cracks on my heart which were left there as a constant reminder of that fateful morning in November last year when I got the call that you had gone to see dad..

Alot has happened in this last year.. Justin is doing brilliantly in his first year of high school. As you know being ADHD has been very hard for him and with the Divorce a few years ago I was very concerned that his schooling would be affected..but he is shining brighter than ever..He even managed to get into the A class in Grade 8..and being in the A class was a huge achievement for him and you would be so damn proud of him. I tell him that almost all the time and this makes him smile and just about pop out his skin with joy.. Such a sweety.. Daniel is as always just super bright, Captain of the chess team and trying his hand at the tough boys sports, cricket and rugby.. He really is such an easy kid.. does what he is told and so sensitive to his environment. He always looks at your photo that is prominently next to my chair in the lounge and says how pretty you are and misses your hugs more than anything..

I am still living with SexyG.. He is still so damn gorgeous and think I fall in love with him over and over again every day.. Didn’t think I would ever have that with anyone but it would appear that fairytales do exist after all! Now if only I can get rid of some of the Hairy trolls and The evil witch we should be able to get our Happily Ever After..

I am abit worried about Paddy..He’s business isn’t doing so well and I try and give him advice but you know him.. he lets the parents get away with not paying him and he just shrugs and believes that things will be ok.. I wish I could help him more but its hard because I am only his little sister and can’t really boss him around , you know? You should be here to talk to him..He would listen to you..

Why did you have to leave us? Why? I keep thinking that I should’ve done more.. Why didn’t I do more? Get you to a better hospital.. Stay with you that night even though the nurses chased me away..I keep thinking of how alone you must’ve been and can only hope that Dad held you close to him in those last few minutes..Held you real close and whispered in your ear “It’s ok Hannie..my love.. I have been waiting for you, hold my hand..our journey is not yet finished..” I just know that you are being cared for amongst angels..

But Its been so very hard for us.. we depended on your love and support.. You made me laugh.. You made me cry.. But mostly you made me..

I would do ANYTHING to have you come back right now..To tell you one last time how much I love you and how much you mean to me.. hold you tight and never let go..please mommy..please… my heart is still so sore.. make this hurt less.. help me move on.. I am broken…so very broken right now..

I have my angry moments.. when I am angry with you and dad for leaving me..

How could you leave us? How could you leave me? Why did God take you away from me? I wasn’t ready.. I still have such a need for your love, hugs and kisses..

I hate this motherfucking reality! I hate it , hate it, hate it!!

I want to snap my fingers and change the outcome of some events that I didn’t choose.

Snap.. I want my mom back..
Snap.. I want my family to phone me..
Snap.. I want the fukken lotto to choose my numbers..
Snap.. I don’t really care about the others..I just REALLY want my mom back…

First Dad left us.. then you.. I am 34 and it just isnt FAIR dammit! I am too damn young to be an orphan.. who do I talk to about things now? When Arsefuk is going off on a tangent trying to have me arrested at every turn..When Hairy Knuckle is trying to cause unrest in my life..When I have to deal with nasty horrible people who say stupid things and talk through their asses.. who do I turn to now? You were always there and listened at me vent and gave me advice when I needed it.. So what do I do now? I have no-one.. I am alone in a world of uncertainty and dont know which way to turn.. I am tired of being a grown up.. make it stop mommy.. make it all stop.. It isnt fun anymore and I am tired now..

Too tired to fight with stupid people.. just tired of being grownup.. I want you to tell everyone to leave me alone.. See how I still need you? This is why you should never have left me..

*sigh*

I suppose I just wanted to tell you how losing you has impacted my life.. and I wanted to tell you how much I love you..

All my LOVE.. All of it.. yesterday.. today and forever..

Your Baby Girl,

Be the first to like.

Like

Unlike