Once upon a time…A few months ago to be more precise… I tackled this terribly overgrown flowerbox outside my Front door..

Oh my goodness, it took forever and a day to get all the old scraggly bits and bobs out until all that was left was some soil.. SexyG then put in some sprinklers..and I planted snap dragons and bulbs.. and then we waited..

..and waited..

..and waited..

..and..well you get the idea!

So about two weeks ago as I was beginning to think that nothing was ever going to happen and this box will be a barren dead spot forever, it all changed!

Almost overnight! things started looking lush, and green and promising..

A few days later we woke up to some pretty pink flowers..followed closely by the prettiest little blue/white bulb flowers!

WELL! to say we were excited is an understatement! We had tea and cake to celebrate…..(we are after all hellavu civilised happy people).

But then a strange thing happened..

………..mini dinosaurs and other fairy creatures appeared in the garden. Each morning there seemed to be a different newcomer…And at first it was abit unsettling but everyone seemed to get along nicely…

“They all appeared to be getting along nicely…”

But this was short lived and soon they were attacking the sprinkler pipes. Toilet manners were all but forgotten as they just crapped everywhere… and keeping me up all night with their constant fighting!

“..soon they were attacking the sprinkler pipes..”

They took to chomping some of the vegetation and I was forced to step in! So yesterday I put my foot down and threatened to kick them all out if they dont start behaving. You know, getting tough is sometimes needed.

Unfortunately for one of them I got there too late…there was a casualty..sorry man, you were my second *favourite..

“..there was a casualty..sorry man, you were my favourite..”

What will I wake up to tomorrow.. *sigh*

Anyone want to adopt-a-dino?

* T-rex kicks ass! I like him the most..

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I am a single mom to two lovely boys… And I am not just saying this because I am their mom and completely biased either.. this is just a fact.

J is 14 and D is 10.. and they may not be angels…but they are polite, helpful, intelligent and funny..

Now being boys and me being a girl and all that I have noticed certain truths around me..you ready for this?..Well, girls are sexist!

There is this club that exists in this world catering for women/girls only. I hear it all the time.. Its a girl thing or its for girls only or she is a girl thats why she gets such and such..

Now I know there is also the other side of things where there is the boys only club..but I have got to say that the women have far more of these exclusive events than the boys! The ratio is 10-1 ..ten for the girls for every one that the boys take..shees, thats just awful.

And then of course I get all the moms out there that continuously tell me how I should have another child .. try for a girl this time round..OMF! And why would I need a girl you ask? Because apparently when the boys get older they wont take me out for lunch and will dump me in an old age home. BUT if I had a girl, she wouldn’t do that to me.

And just like that.. Society has predetermined that my stunning, handsome boys will grow up and dump me in a facility to rot all because they have penises..lovely, isnt it?

Thanks, but no thanks.. I don’t want any more kids and I definitely don’t see the need to try for a girl!

Lousy Bastards know nothing about me and my boys..And I happen to know for a fact that J & D wont do any such crap to me because:-

a. I am self sufficient enough to take care of myself, thank you very much..

b. They will be phoning me about the broken breadbin that refuses to refill itself at least once a week..

c. I will be inviting them to lunch more often than not..

d. Who else will they have to ask if their girlfriends are up to standard or not?..

e. They will come to me when they are looking for something that they cant find on a daily basis..

f. They LOVE my curry and will suffer withdrawels..

But most of all..They will miss me.. I am their mom.. the only one they got.. and just because they aren’t going to grow any boobs or get a period doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings and don’t love me or respect me any less than a girl would.

My boys were victims of an incident a few days ago where they were treated differently just because they weren’t one of the “girls”.. There were six of them at the table, 4 girls, 2 boys.. and only the girls were given juice to drink with their dinner.. the boys were told that there just wont be enough for the girls if they had to share! Can you believe that? Does this mom really think my boys have no feelings? Why cant the juice be shared a little bit more to include the boys? I was furious to say the least..If it was my home I would rather give them all water or share what little bit I have fairly amongst all of them! Besides the fact that there was more than 5 liters of juice in the fridge, why treat the boys different? Its disgusting! I am still angry when I think about it..

But this kind of behaviour amongst women towards boys is more common than not.. Girls are coveted and boys are told to just suck it up..

I disagree and think that some mothers/women/girls need to be ashamed of their behaviour to boys.. and the next time I wont be so polite to the next mom that is mean to my boys.. I will most definitely take out a whole big can of whipass on her!

~VENT OVER~

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I am a dreamer.. I almost always dream everynight.

Most of the times I dont really remember them straight off and will then remember glimpses of it during the day.. But sometimes..just sometimes.. I wake up still feeling the emotion that encapsulated the dream I was entangled in.

So for instance if it was about my teeth falling out (quite a regular) I wake up and rush to the basin with an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear… If It was about me walking on the beach nekkid I wake up clutching the sheets.. You with me so far?

Most of my dreams are not such nice ones though.. When I was a little girl I had recurring nightmares involving cannibals, amputations and being chased.. I dealt with it by studying the reality of cannibalism and trying to get over my fear of amputation.. Not a nice thing, I know.. Sorry if your abit freaked out.. But imagine how I felt! I was only 10 when this started happening.. this is no longer as prevalent and these things dont stress me out half as much as they used to.. But I am still very aware of the fallability of the human body.

But I digress, the reason I am sharing with you is because I am having more recurring dreams.. Of my mom in fact.. I still think about her all the time even though it is almost a year since she passed away. And now I am dreaming of her.. and in the dream she comes back to me and says she never died..she was just away on a trip or something, and that she is fine! Imagine that! Fine? damn man!! Anyway so I am still wrought with emotion and try desperately to tell her she needs to prepare herself as she is going to get ill and she isnt strong enough to survive it.. I try oh so hard to get her to eat right and exercise and all those things and she just poo-poo’s me and tell me she is fine.. I am helpless in trying to get her to see reason.. and then she gets sick again and dies.. again.. It is AWFUL!!

My mom .. not only dies in my dreams.. once.. but twice.. and then I wake up..with a sob caught in my throat.

So as you can imagine I wake up feeling sad and depressed and angry.. If I have learnt anything in this world , it is this…a persons subconscious can be very-very cruel..

*sigh*

For now I am just going to hope that this series of dreams end soon, and hopefully they will be replaced by ones of me going to a HealthSpa and getting all over body rubs, drinking wine and being fed grapes by Chuck Norris (yes, he apparently still wants me).!!!!

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I really miss my dogs lately.. I have taken to staring longingly at other peoples pets and go “Aaaaaw!, how cute man!”.. Pathetic, I know..

Its difficult where I live as it isn’t my place and I can’t just go out and get a big assed Great Dane or something.. and because its a commitment thing, you know?

I need to be more stable and know that for the next 10 years or so I can look after “Senòr Puppy”.

I also like big dogs too, so maltese poodles just wont work for me.. A dog should be able to bark without making me feel sorry for it or laughing at it..

I want “Senòr Puppy” to run up to me when I get home and give me loves and licks and show me all the monkeys he caught in my absence! I will then tell him what a good boy he is and scratch him behind the ear just the way he likes it!

• I will take him with me when i run down to the beach..
• He will watch Boston Legal with me and groan with Jerry jumps like a DoDo bird..
• I will teach him neat tricks like ,play cute, ask nicely and my personal favourite, teach him to talk (boxers are best at this)..
• Dry Humping will not be allowed in public..He will have to contain himself and do it in private like other boys..
• And cute Puppy dog eyes will get him everywhere..

The list can go on but I am abit broody now..damn these hormones man!

This dog thing is definitely something that needs to be planned and hopefully somewhere in the near future I can go puppy shopping and bring my home a “Senòr Puppy” and he will be loved and thoroughly spoilt… Lots!

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I either am suffering from some form of mental illness OR SexyG has got to be the best shag, ever! There is just no other way to explain the fact that I am sitting here in my car on one of THE most coldest days in the history of the planet waiting for my boyfriend to cycle past..

And this after being woken up this morning at 3.30am to get to Hilton in time for the start at 6am.. Its disgusting really.. being made to go out in this almost minus temperature to watch boys playing in the mud.. Totally uncivilised spectator points where there are no Mugg n Bean’s where I can at least warm up with hot coffee and plug my laptop in to browse the net..

So here I am now hoping the battery doesn’t die soon while I whine away about how cold I am and how badly I need a loo.. There are portopotty’s here.. but how scary aren’t those things.. I have been trapped in a trapeze act or two in them and will now only go if it’s a case of “portopotty” or “peemyself”… I am not at “peemyself” point yet!

“Oh Yeahhhhhh!!!.. Sexy G is here.. looking good- looking good, IF you discount all the mud covering his body…I think its actually illegal to look as hot as he does..He grabs his toolbox..needs to lube up and then off he goes.. Not without kissing me with muddy lips first of course.. I mean at this rate my day can only get better, right?”

Can now move on to the next point.. but I think I will go to that little one stop I saw on the way up this morning and recharge my batteries first ( me and my laptop) have the pee of the century and then I will be ready to face the next uncivilised and muddy cheerleading spot..

This event so far has been nothing but a big giant mud party.. with mud boys walking around carrying their mud bikes.. each shouting ridiculous comments at each other like.. ” whats the weather like!” and “I see your wearing brown today!” .. *groan*.. I wanna throw myself under some tyres and end my suffering.. Watching them slip n slide towards me has got to be the highlight of the morning so far though.. Guys trying to do cool things and mother nature flipping them the birdie as they wobble to and fro in the battle for balance and coolness.. “Check my moves!”.. I am almost tempted to shout at some them.. “You Pussy’s!! pop a wheelie man, or don’t you know how?!”.. But this I know will not go down well with some spectators and I can’t outmaneuver them on the gravel roads as fast in my car…lol

One thing I have learnt from this excursion today is that low profile’s are not designed for mud and dirt roads.. the jarring has given me premature arthritis in the lower back and ass.. I can still feel the vibrations course through me.. With no happiness factor at all..

As I said.. I am thoroughly of the opinion that my mental status needs a once over..

Thank Goodness this event is only once a year and the only other event he does do that requires me to follow him from one point to another is the Sani2C but for that one he will be sleeping out..lol.. the other events aren’t too bad with it being a start and finish at the same spot..

I am not much of a participant in sports.. I am more of a Cheerleader.. Will bring my poms-poms and cheer you on from the comfort of my car or any other spot I can relax and chill.. And most of the time I drag QueenG with me and we point and drool at all the men in tights…

Oh well, the day is almost done I suppose.. just a few more hours then I am going home and chilling with my favourite guy while he regales me with the tales of his ride.. I will hear about the corner that he owned.. the jump that made the photographers flinch.. and all this with a big smile.. mud in his ears and some grass stuck between his teeth…

Boys will always be just boys.. and how I do LOVE this Boy!!

…..So boys… snap on your spandex.. see you next year

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WARNING:

The following post has some sexual content and should not be read if prude, ignorant, easily offended, under18, judgemental, gossiping groaners, a batlady or just a plain whiner.. thanks!

——————————————————————

Now for the rest of you…Lets talk!

Boys have been putting their penises into objects since they first discovered it at age 1.. and it has been a slippery slope from then on in..

I once watched a documentary of “101 Most Embarrassing Sexual Acts” which was a culmination of 101 things people have done (and been caught out on) in their search for sexual gratification.. Of those 101 listed, more than 90% were guys sticking their schlongs into microwaved melons, vacuum cleaners, pool pumps erhm, things.

Today I was sent some images of blow up dolls.. Now before you say.. been there.. done that! You need to see these to believe them.. They are almost life-like and in fact are partly mechanical in order to pose them for your..*coff-coff*.. enjoyment!

They are called MechaDolls and you can see all of them here. I don’t want to put any of the images here as they ARE very-very Explicit.. So rather click on the link, k?

It is such a far cry from the old style doll that had the gaping mouth and the unflexible body that you just could not convince anyone was your *girlfriend!

This is such a great reinvention of the older version..Just think of the implications of having such a lifelike posable ..erm.. girlfriend!!

• No whining..
• No expensive jewellery..
• Sex when you want it… how you want it.. as quick as you want it…all the time…
• No post-coital chats..
• You dont have to answer any inane questions…
• No meeting the parents…
• No having to buy the cow for alittle bit of milk…

and the list can go on..

But these are things you may miss before you rush out and replace your current girlfriend/wife for the more attractive mechanical version (I know you have already scanned the site )…

• No hugs…no kisses..no cuddling..
• Nobody there to listen to you when you just want to talk..
• Your clothes will mysteriously stop finding its way back to your cupboard -cleaned…
• Nobody there to laugh with..interact with..
• Who will you go to the movies with?
• Who will watch you pose and say “You’re the Man!!”..
• No more extensive planning required to “get lucky”..
• No one to buffer you from your mom when she wants to go shopping with you..
• No sound effects during sex..(we know you like it )..

this list can go on, forever!

But for the lonely guy.. inbetween gf’s or whatever.. this is a real nice thing to have.. it is a ’stop-gappa’ for want of a better word.. lol

P.S. It is just a coincidence that one of their models has my name.. she by no means is me..k?

*Jerry Espensin from Boston Legal will be sooooo pleased at these new improved models!!

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Got an email the other day.. and with it was an challenge.. “track me via my IP address and impress me!”..

Now I looooove challenges!.. woohoo.. and this challenge was prompted by my Clause B where I stated that any persons IP address is very traceable.. well it is.. but it also takes A WHACK LOAD of PT to get close to the deviant that has been naughty..

So yesterday I was sooo hectically busy I had to push it out of my mind.. today was part two of yesterday and it is now 6.29pm Tuesday and I am finally catching up with my mail, reading my favourite blogs and tracking a naughty IP..

So “Agnes” who are you?

Let me see.. hmmm… looking…looking… looking…

AHa!!… I seeeeeee you!!

Put the chocolate away Chickypoo and bow down to me …lol

“Agnes eating chocolate”

So what did I win???

Oh and I must say.. NO I wont tell you how I did it.. and YES I am brilliant thankyou!

Tired now.. Time to eat dinner.. tomorrow I take over the world!!

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Monkeys, Monkeys, Monkeys, Ugly assed , Hairy backed, tail swinging, vile, disgusting, evil, cheeky, stupid, lice infested complete WASTE OF SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DISLIKE HATE WANNA STRANGLE THEM SOOOOOOO MUCH!

*breathe-breathe*

• They piss on my car.. MY CAR!.. i will wash it today.. tomorrow It is covered by monkey piss and thats not all.. they also play in their own piss.. little handprints everywhere as they rubbed it around..I mean sis sis sis.. vomit!
• steal my fruit..have to hide it in the microwave now and normally forget about it as it rots quietly in there..
• scare my kids..shame man!
• try to steal food from my hand..can you believe? dangling from branches as I walk past to chomp my sarmie!
• play with their unmentionables on the driveway.. sis man, sit weg!! I could just whip them with hoses..
• pull my rubbish out the bins.. Aaargh!.. its soo nasty when your rubbish is lying around for the whole world.. thats why the bags are black..once its thrown in there it should NEVER be viewed again..
• they taunt the neighbors dogs.. and then I want to strangle those buggers too!
• they make a big noise.. having monkey fights over who has the bigger shlong!
• make a big mess..pissing and shitting and destroying everything
• they serve no purpose.. show me one..just one
• I dont think they are cute at all…No way..not even the babies…hairy buggering bollocks!

I need a gun.. A BIG ASS gun..with super powerful bullets that will blow them into smithereens.. no carcasses.. NOTHING!!

Where do I buy one of these?? And how much are they??

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Have you ever wanted something so badly?

You had to convince yourself you already Have it,

See it, Feel it, Touch it..almost?… Or not really?

Do you wake up thinking of …‘What If’ ?

Do dreams taunt you with things that may never be?

How far are you willing to go?..How far ahead can you see?

Do you look on at others yearning for just one teensy tiny bit?

Knowing in your heart that this may never be..?

Do you think about it, day and night, while you stand, while you sit?

At what point do you throw caution at the wind,

put both feet in, grab the bull by horns?

In order to gain the final answer, no option to rescind?

Do I have what it takes, Is this achievable?

No going back, no more oops, uhm, this was perhaps a mistake?

I don’t think I do, No-No, this is not possible,

I will live in hope, try and keep the dream alive,

Keep my head , there is just too much at stake..

…………

Have you ever wanted something so badly?

I can only nod my head and sigh, “Yes” I say, sadly…

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Where did all the dust come from?? You would be surprised how many dustbunnies i had to catch and kill yesterday!! And most of them were clinging to my pants for dear life.. but I am merciless.. I had *Mr Muscle after all!!

How absolutely exhilarating it was when afterwards I walked into the boys room and saw the carpet for the first time in probably weeks..

SexyG surprised me by fixing the oven.. omw.. i am ecstatic at the prospect of being able to bake muffins and make my own garlic bread.. talk about delight.. i could have just dropped and given him 20 right there and then when I found out.. but i was all dusty and grimy so that had to wait !!

This is the weekend where the boys go to Arsefuk but for his own reasons J didnt want to go.. so D was left to go on his own.. bad idea! D is on a special Migraine Diet at the moment because he has been having far too many of them lately.. So on friday I printed out a whole list of foods that he should avoid and a list of alternatives and the reasons and all of it.. It was laid out so that even an 8 year old could understand and follow.. My mistake was not realising that I was dealing with a 5 year old!

When I phoned him to see if all was going well.. I was told that he only had a polony sandwich and a naartjie for dinner… OMF.. firstly that isnt food.. secondly polony and naartjies are on the list of things to avoid! I suppose I should be glad that he at least fed the kid.. What a flippen idiot.. seriously..why do I even bother with him?

So i asked him why he did it? why is it so difficult to prepare a simple meal.. or go buy a piece of chicken and make a sandwich of that if he must? He then says well he gave D McDonalds for lunch.. *sigh* …

And Besides he says.. He has a life.. He can’t be bothered to cook and read lists!

At this point I am Red-lining it and am quite possibly going to do him some bodily harm.. He has a life? We all have lives you dumb f@*ken idiot.. but the lives of our kids come first..if they are sick we care for them.. if they are hurt we help them heal.. If they are scared or in danger.. we protect them! Selfish prick..

Then when I tell him that he is behaving irresponsible he then says the one thing he ALWAYS says when he knows he is wrong .. wait for it… this gets me everytime.. you ready??…. ” I pay maintenance every month! What do you do? “.. I shit you not.. This is his argument.. because he pays a few measly rands every month towards expenses he believes he now has the right to do as he wishes.. lol.. shame.. poor misguided moron… I wont even justify that with an answer..

So I told him that due to his behaviour it may not be in the best interest of the kids to go to him again for **awhile. Just till the kids arent too much of a hindrance and “his life that he has”..

I hung up.. twenty minutes later i got an sms from him saying he has put the list on the fridge and will be following it from now on.. and is peanut butter allowed?

Pity it always has to be a case of me getting tough on him before he will behave like a parent.

At the end of the evening SexyG and I were so exhausted and relieved that the bulk of the cleaning was done that we just cuddled on the couch eating Pizza and watched a few things on the Media Centre. Always a very nice way to end the evening..

*Like Mr Penis.. large and usefull.. but he cleans too!!

** it is his holidays coming up and he has made plans with his mommy..

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