(please note that the below post contains profanity, anger, sadness and other such arb crap.. Stop reading if you are offended by this see CLAUSE B)

Today it happened.. I felt it coming for a few days now and yesterday it almost happened.. But today, today it happened..

I think I had what some people term a nervous breakdown. I say I think because my PHD is pending..

I walked out of the office this morning, and proceeded to cry, crying over what you ask? whothefukknows..

I just fukken cried and cried, and not small petite lady cry, either! I am talking snot and bubbly bits coming out of my nose and snorting from fuk knows where crying… I ultimately just cried myself to sleep because there isn’t really anything else a person can do when this happens I suppose..

(I have since then been woken out of my slumber by the gardener who just rakes and sweeps all fukken day long.. thats all he does.. take away his broom or rake and he cries.. (literally).. then goes home.. I wont do that again.. Got in big kak last time!)

So why would this happen?? I don’t know really.. I just know that this is a symptom of what happens when you bottle things up and I suppose I am guilty of doing just that. The way I feel at the moment is very hard to describe mostly because none of it makes sense.. I have also been having very very weird dreams lately..

The one is where I was in a very dodgy hospital seriously ill (don’t know what was wrong) and I remember feeling so damn lonely and scared , and the only visitor I had was my ex-husband who came to point at me and he said ” Hahahahaha, see, just like I always said, You are fukken useless and pathetic!”

and Last night I dreamed again and in this one I was invited to a friends place and he told me when I got there that he planned an orgy for me as a surprise.. OMF! now even in my dream I am looking for exit points.. but as the dream progresses nothing happens except that his friends rejected me off bat and he then told me to get lost cos I wasn’t working out… I mean, can you believe it!! I wasnt working out?? Thats fukked up!

So even in my dreams I am being given the boot it appears.. but why is my subconscious being so fukken mean? Its not like I don’t entertain it with funny visuals and jokes all day!

I don’t think I am really gonna know why this has happened to me today.. but I do know that it may be best if I stop bottling everything in.. Next time I might just explode, which is how I feel sometimes.. I have found that writing about stuff really does take the edge off and helps me to works difficult problems out.. almost like giving myself good advice..but it isnt the whole answer to things and some stuff eventually gets the better of me..

I also don’t have that many people I can really talk to anymore because most people are so busy and wrapped up in their own worlds that I just don’t know how to tap them on their shoulders and say “erm, excuse me but I think I need to talk with someone, will you listen please?” No, even if you manage to get this sentence out uninterrupted they always turn it around on them, how they are , how they been through it, blah blah blah – fuckoff..

Things that may or may not have sparked off this event:

I saw a pic of myself today.. couldn’t believe it was me.. I was soooooooo fat in it! So I hit delete on the keyboard because I can do without reminding how I look..

My boyfriends mother isnt speaking to me at the moment, this is a part blessing because at least this means she isnt shouting at me from across the garden anymore.. and the reason for her pissedoffness?? She read my post I wrote awhile ago and know she wont piss on my gums if my teeth were on fire.. So I guess I wont be invited to anymore family lunches and I think I am definitely off the Xmas list…

The boyfriends sister is also upset with me for making the boyfriends mother angry..

My ex is fukking around with me in regards to maintenance..again..

I miss my mom..

My girlfriend is MIA in East London of all fukking places.. I mean WTF is in East London anyway??

I have been meaning to get my glasses fixed for weeks now and still havent done it which means I don’t see jackshit when I leave the house cos I can’t wear it in public all broken-like..The reason I haven’t gone is “ihavenofukkenidea”

there is more but I am not wanting to delve too deaply now.. I dont want to start the crying again..

So I am not going back to the office now.. I am going to find some drug type things just now and go have a liedown for awhile longer.. just till this feeling passes.. I just know if a bus drives down the driveway now I am going to jump in front of it..

I am also not allowing comments on this post because once I publish it I dont want to be reminded of this feeling again..

Today, today I am hurting.. today I feel like my chest wants to explode with all the agony inside.. today I am not me.. today I need to be left alone with my thoughts for abit so that I can work things out properly.. today needs to end soon so that tomorrow can come..

Tomorrow.. tomorrow will be a better day.. tomorrow I will be better and all the things that have haunted me will have been put to bed.. one way or another..