…my Xmas spirit is still AWOL and I need to do something … fast!

My boys keep looking at the tree that I finally put up last night with despair because they see nothing under there that may be for them… In fact I got them involved in wrapping gifts for other people last night…lol.. It was funny cos they kept waiting to see if I was going to wrap their pressies and when we got to the final gift they looked stunned that none of the gifts were for them!

I suppose that was cruel, but it was unintentional cruelty!.. Promise!!

I will only put their gifts under the tree on Xmas eve because it is too big to fit without giving away the plot!… wonder if they will survive the wait…

I also plan to don on only red lingerie between now and christmas in the hopes that my jolly holly self will return… I am just finding it a really difficult time right now..

I keep thinking about my mom and how much Xmas meant to her and how much I really miss her and her beautiful smile… She was such a wonderful lady and a fantastic mom… Wish she was here to moan at me .. miss that…

I considered buying lots of booze and making this a very tingly time but even that wont work and I know that cos I just don’t see the point in getting plastered.. Wont change things .. I will always be an orphan and that is the reality of my life.. So it is time I learn to accept this and make the most of my situation so that I can be more productive and less sad…

Sadness is such a lonely feeling. And I hate feeling as sad as I do… It is not who I am… I just cant seem to shake it though… I will be fine one minute buying eggs at checkers and then I will feel such sadness and loss I have to force myself not to cry… How ridiculous! How do other people do it? I dont remember ever feeling this way before… It is a very new thing for me and I know this is something I have to deal with , I just dont know how…

So I think I need to perhaps make a list… A list of positive aspects of my life as it is now and once I’m done I will put this list on my bedroom wall and when I wake up I will look at my list and remember who I am and why my life is wonderful.

I will try this list thing and hopefully by next year I will be able to tackle life again with renewed vigour…

B

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